Saturday, May 11, 2013

Emerson's Day

Tomorrow is Mother's Day. It is also May 12th, which is the day I set aside every year to remember my in-between son on the day he was supposed to arrive. The one who almost made Eldon a brother and the one who made Max my "rainbow baby."

The one who changed my world and caused me to see a million things differently. The one who calmed me and made me realize that I can get through anything.

Impeccable timing, Mr. Emerson.
I really (really, really) needed that before setting out on this journey with Max. 
You were my worst case scenario, yet best thing.
You put the entire world in perspective and I am so lucky to get to be your mama.

Emerson would be two tomorrow if all had gone as planned. I can't believe I just wrote that. Has it really been that long?

Apparently I am not learning this lesson fast enough, and the universe feels the need to keep reminding me with trying proof, but I don't make the plans.

I DON'T MAKE THE PLANS! You hear that, Universe? I am catching on. Now chill out...I get it.

I don't hold the control and no matter how hard I wish, nobody holds a magic wand. Nobody. I am beginning to like it that way. Have you seen the cartoons? Us humans can't be trusted with magic wands. It always ends up in a mess.

I didn't get to know Emerson. It's weird to miss a person that you never actually met, but I do and I think about it all the time...what life would be like if he were here now. I like to think that he would have been a lot like Eldon- goofy, stubborn, tender hearted. And like Max- strong, wise, a fighter.

Emerson's tiny hand inside my wedding ring

I wish I could say that not a day goes by that I don't think of him, but the truth is that I am healing and that I almost forgot about today. I panicked and thought I had missed it. I do think of him often...just not all the time like that first year he was gone. I hate that he seems to be slipping away.

I want him to be remembered as more than just the baby who died. That title holds such a heavy dark weight and it's not fair that he didn't get a chance to leave us with a smile to remember him by instead. It's so hard for others to imagine that a stillborn baby can bring such immense amounts of light and joy to the world, but he did.

I learned so much from this child who never said a word. I had never hoped harder in my life. I had never lost a person close to me and had never met a problem I couldn't fix.

I needed Emerson and there he was. In that way, here he is.

I didn't think I would ever share a photo of him so publicly. He was red from the blood flowing to him still after he had passed away. He was fragile. SO fragile. I was afraid that people wouldn't see the perfection I saw and that people would be offended by a picture of a "dead baby" but I don't care. People say some nasty things, like "would you post a picture of a dead five year old? Why are pictures of dead babies any different?"

Well...because these are the only pictures I have

 because he was only ever dead.

Believe me, I would love to have bright eyed smiley photos to share instead

but I don't.

This is the boy who changed everything. He deserves to be celebrated. This is the baby who just wasn't meant to be here, but was always meant to be mine.

Happy Birthday that should have been, Emerson. How lucky I am to be celebrating this Mother's Day having been shaped and made a mom by your brothers and you.