Wednesday, May 1, 2013

my someday.

TWO whole months have flown by since I first held this sweet boy in my arms.

 I keep thinking back to the beginning of my pregnancy when March seemed so far away. When this baby seemed like an intangible fairytale.

One of the hardest things to realize, is that our "someday" is right now. I try not to lose that thought.

No matter how big a wall I build to keep the chaos out, it has a way of peering over the top and reminding me that I hold very little control of things...of anything. No matter how often I pause to breathe and just be, life gets busy, and complicated, and overbooked, and overwhelming. In that madness, I forget to remember this.

Sometimes though, I am hit hard by the realization that once upon a time, I thought of this day. I held hopes and expectations for right now.

One of the hardest things to realize, is that our someday is right now.

The truth in that statement is not only in the fact that today was once a someday, but that this idea is difficult to come terms with, and even more difficult to remember.

But when you do remember to remember it, it brings with it a new appreciation for the present.

When I was little, I couldn't wait to be a mom. I was certain that someday I would be much cooler than my own parents and let my kids have ice cream for dinner if they wanted. I had a picture in my head and well, I was no fortune teller. I do try to connect with that 5 year old girl on occasion and I wish that a whisper could travel 20 years so I could tell her:

"this is nothing like you imagined it would be. It is better than anything you could dream up, but so so different."

Because I haven't yet mastered the time travel, I let Eldon have ice cream for dinner once a year. He is so much like that 5 year old girl I once was and I imagine the gesture satisfies them both.

I think back to when that pink line showed up on a pregnancy test that I only took to humor the man who was sure we were pregnant. How scared I was that he was right. How I couldn't imagine another baby.

How anticipation took over the fear and I felt like the day would never come. How I began planning for the someday when I would be a mom of two. Well, that someday was two months ago. Right now? I am one handed typing and nursing the boy who I didn't think would nurse. The boy who I didn't think would ever actually be.

Yet, here he is.

Oh, my sweet sweet Max. How did I not know how much you would bring to the table? Right when I thought I had it all, there you were. A reminder of how little control I hold, and how love and happiness can grow and grow and grow.

and grow and grow and grow.

It leaves me wishing once again, that a whisper could travel through time. That I could tell myself that it would all be ok. That once again when I thought I was maxed out (no pun intended) on love, there could be more. So much more.

When I consider what the future holds for these boys and I, I know that someday I will look back on this moment and wish for whispers.

and so I am feeling connected. To the past, to the future, and especially the present.

This is my someday.

The crazy, the beautiful, the really effing crazy...and whether or not I pictured this, I longed for it. Once upon a time I would have given anything for a glimpse of this life.

This is my right now. Sometimes it's enough just to get here.