Friday, April 5, 2013

moving on.

Today I found out that my ex is dating some one.


I couldn't figure out why it upset me so much. I don't want to be with him and I really don't care who he spends his time with.

Then it hit me...the person he chooses to love next will be an influential part of my kids' lives.
That and there's jealousy. Not of her...but of his ability to date some one.

Even IF I had the time, which I don't...we have surgery coming up and I am single mom to two kids.

Even IF I wasn't still within the 6 week "no sex" time frame and still recovering from giving birth.

Even IF there were anywhere I wanted to be other than with my kids right now.

I am still finding space to store all of this "baggage" and I imagine it will be quite awhile before I find any one else willing to help me carry it.

And frankly, if anybody offered to take it on, I would question their stability.

God knows I don't need anybody crazier than I am.

Still, I'm jealous. I envy the excitement of dating some one new. Of wanting to spend all of your time with them, and getting to know them. That giddy awkwardness. Or even just talking to an adult on a regular can see how far removed I am from this kind of thing.

I know that he didn't choose to be written about and that she certainly didn't ask to be part of my blog so I don't want to pretend to know what she's like, or what their relationship is. 

When you have children together though, it matters.

I care what kind of person she is. I care what kind of mother she is.

I care that there is some one other than these two kids that is occupying his time because they are all that occupies mine.

but "fair" is just an imaginary word. This, I am learning.

and it's too soon to jump into worries about Stepparents and new siblings.

I have enough shit to worry about. Like the phone call I am expecting on Monday that will give me the date of Max's surgery. (more on that later)

My Friday night will be spent in a fort of sheets with a crappy redbox movie that Eldon hasn't picked out yet but will likely feature talking animals.

The other 25 year olds will walk past the house on their way to the nightclubs on 6th Ave.

A part of me will mourn the old days and daydream of a party dress, dancing, and meeting that hot guy.

Then I plan to snuggle up with my boys and remember that back then, what I really wanted was to settle down and make beautiful babies. For now, I will settle for the beautiful babies part.

Right now, I am taken.

(well, technically, I'm married...but we're working on that.)

Still, I am dedicated to the boy who brings me flowers made of legos and balloons, my boobs are admired most by the baby they feed, and my inbox is full of lovenotes medical notes from Max's doctors.

Someday there will be time for some one new, but for now there is only room for three in the bed.

Sometimes I just need the reminder that this is where I am supposed to be right now and lucky for me, these two make for some pretty good company.