Tuesday, November 6, 2012

proceed with caution.

I will forever remember the ultrasound tech that told me "there's something wrong with your baby's heart." This was information that I already knew from a trip to the ER, but hearing the words, the definitive diagnosis changed everything.

Even after a dozen follow up visits and the most detailed descriptions of Transposition of the Great Arteries, there is no guarantee, no words of comfort, nobody telling you how to proceed.

I have struggled with how to go on with this pregnancy. I am in this place of waiting where I wont know whether or not I am bringing a baby home until that baby is here. There are still 15 weeks of waiting. Do I shop for this baby? Do I plan for this baby? I have the opportunity to learn the baby's gender on the 14th. Do I dare learn? And either way, what will I do with that information? Celebrate it?

My gut is telling me yes.

When I was pregnant with Eldon, I worried about everything a first time mom worries about. I read the baby books, I ate all organic and followed all the stupid rules about lunch meat and seafood. I just wanted him to get here healthy. Then he was here. He was healthy.  

I still worried

Eldon with his Great Grandpa. Both of them will be loved forever.

And I still do.

I came to the realization that we will always worry about our kids, but that doesn't stop us from celebrating them. This little newbie may make it through his/her first surgery fine. After that, he/she will have regular checkups, things can leak (from what I have read, aortas have a tendency to do that post-surgery) and this child will never be "in the clear." But are any of our children?

None of us are.

Still, we are celebrated. We are cherished, loved, and nobody expects anything other than to see us tomorrow.

This week I learned that I lost a good friend. An incredible person that I am grateful to have known. If I had known that he would be leaving us so early, would I have appreciated him any less? Of course not. We don't go through life expecting to lose the ones that we love, we simply deal with it if the time comes. We wish that time doesn't.

I am finally embracing this baby for what it is, a child that I love and have hopes and plans for. I am no longer afraid to "get too attached." 

This baby is definitely worthy of celebration. Worthy of my love and excitement. I am growing a human! This is HUGE! (and so am I.)

Releasing this need for control, this anxiety and this need to fight my instincts to protect myself from heartbreak feels incredible. How on earth does a person enjoy their pregnancy after news like that? I'll let you know, because that is what I intend to do. Starting now.