This road we are traveling has been unreal. While I would love to say that we are at least enjoying the scenery, my whole life feels like that intense moment when you're lost, the radio is too loud, the kids are crying and spilling their raisins, it's pouring down rain and you need new windshield wipers, you can't read the street signs and the clock on the dashboard is staring you in the face, reminding you that you're late.
For most, that is an intese, passing moment. They get to their destination and realize that they overreacted.
For me, I feel like I am living that moment on repeat, only I'm not frazzled.
Like eventually you let being late become a part of what is expected of you. I hate being flakey, passive, and unreliable. Though it seems that these days, I just want to wear a T-shirt that says all of those things, so that nobody expects anything from me.
So when people ask how I am handling the divorce, whether or not I am ready for the baby, what I need for the baby, and when I can grab lunch and fill them in, the truth is that those things are just not on my mind the majority of the time. They are there, sitting in the back and every once in awhile a thought jumps out and for a fleeting second I freak the f--- out, but usually there is enough "busy" to keep my mind racing. Enough "stuff."
I am in total survival mode.
Financial stress is at the top of my list and always on my mind. Always. I have always been able to stretch a dollar. I am ok with little and I work hard. Sometimes though, you just get stuck. Deep.
I have been actively looking for work since I arrived in Tacoma. I am not sure how realistic it is to expect an employer to hire you 10 weeks away from your delivery date and to find childcare being a single parent, but so far it's all I can do to feel like I am doing SOMETHING to better the situation.
We have been recieving a total of $200.00/month for "child support." And that is our income in its entirety.
We are making it work and learning what we can live without. This week, that meant my blood sugar testing strips that have been prescribed to me for gestational diabetes. (WHY the eff are they so expensive?) We are making it enough. It is enough.
I have amazing parents, food, shelter, and a safe place to call home. For that, I am so grateful. I can't imagine going through this time without their support and endless gifts. They are incredible.
Every once in awhile, the rain clears and we are able to break away from the craziness. We sit on a bench staring out at the Puget Sound and sharing snap peas. We go to the museum on days that it's free. We take walks. When we do, I feel like a normal person, living a normal life. To Eldon, I'm sure, this IS normal. I need those moments, though, to remind myself that things will get back to normal, that we will look back on this time and consider it a road bump instead of the giant hole it feels like.
I am not a complainer, but I promised honesty. This time has not been without its difficulties, and for that I am both grateful and completely exhausted.
I find comfort in knowing that even when I can't be of much use to anybody else, I can be Mom. That title is one that grounds me, and helps me to realize that this waiting game was built for us. It is one relationship that I feel I can nourish, grow, and put my all into, regardless of how much money I have and how inaccesible I have become to my friends and every one else around me.
This mouthy little four year old, this wiggly little baby, are occupying my world right now. I have always tried to keep an identity separate from just "Mom" but right now, it is my entire being. Soon, I will gain the rest back. I will embrace these new titles of "single parent" "divorced" "advocate" and they will all become a piece of me.
For now, though, I am Mom.
And I am enough for them.
That is enough for me.