it's lonely.
Any one who tells you otherwise is either lying or surrounded by only pregnant people, which I find highly unlikely.
At a time when your friends are out shutting down the dance floor, you are researching diapers and in my case, heart defects.
And so any parent of a child with a congenital heart defect will tell you...
it's lonely.
People understand the regular pregnancy schedule, but have a hard time understanding how a stay at home mom can be so busy all the time. They have been there, right? They have gone through it? I'm here to tell you, it's not the same. There are double the appointments, there is quadruple the usual research that an expectant mother stays up late reading. Baby Max may not be coming home right away, so there is childcare to be arranged for Eldon. For an unknown number of days. Everything is just...more.
Any wife that suddenly finds herself in the middle of a divorce will tell you...
it's lonely.
Even if that lonesome feeling is a welcome one. Even when you realize that you can finally BREATHE on your own and make decisions like circumcision, vaccines, and names without having to bounce them off of somebody else. (There comes that research again.)
There is still that routine of the last 6 years that isn't routine anymore and it takes some adjusting.
So I consider myself incredibly lucky that even when I sometimes feel lonely, I'm not. Not really.
I can't tell you how many emails and Facebook messages I recieve on a daily basis from people I know and sort of know, just to let me know that they're there. That they're rooting for us.
My family is (among other things...ha ha) the root of everything. From my parents to the extended village that has nurtured my soul my entire life, we are in loving hands. I have always known that I had a special and gigantic family, but the older I get, the more I appreciate them.
For a person that isn't a person that prays, I know that we are on prayer lists for multiple churches. Just knowing that there are strangers rooting for us, reminds me that we are surrounded by love.
I have been the recipient of multiple acts of kindness lately and even WON a doula, which is a truly priceless gift. I can't wait for the day that I can pay this act of kindness forward. For now, go like the facebook page of the incredibly generous woman who is providing me with a birth as close to my original plan as possible, and to check out some brilliant mama/birth inspired jewelry.
It's also pretty impossible to feel lonely when you have such a kickass sidekick.
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Eldon and I have always been close. He sleeps in my bed, he plays at my feet in the shower, and for the majority of his life, it has been just the two of us. I am so grateful that he is at this age of independence and understanding while we are going through this. That he is a compassionate, kind, and adjustable boy who whispers words of encouragement into my belly for his little brother. I am wide eyed and analyzing our relationship right now to make sure that I am not leaning on him or expecting too much of him. I am guessing that as an only child in a new place, he is a little lonely too.
Max is going to have the BEST big brother. We all three have the BEST people in our lives.
So quite simply, thank you.
Thank you all for being on this journey with us. Thank you for supporting and rooting for us.
Thank you for loving us and making sure that loneliness only stops by for a quick visit, never settling in and never staying long.
XOXOXO
-Jenelle
