The first five days of my 30-day challenge have been...well, challenging. It is amazing that it has been the exact medicine I need lately. It forces me out of the house, it fills me with joy and I am starting to notice the tiny acts all around me. The ones that won't make this list because they are expected, but they are also nice. They are also kind acts. Waving ahead the car in front of you, holding the door open for some one, returning some one else's shopping cart and the nice dude that unscrewed the cap of my oil tank for me today when I couldn't get it to budge.
This project is affirming my belief that people, in general, are good.
As for the latest? I will have to admit, not so random. I refuse to rename this list "intentional acts of kindness" but aside from the "would you like to donate a dollar towards ______ today?" and smaller things mentioned above, nothing has really jumped out at me.
{three}
I have been going through my belongings (which have been packed up all summer long) to try to weed out some of the things that I am not bringing with me when we move. Things that are more Montana than Seattle or more toddler than preschool. I came across a few old magazines and about a half a bottle of fabric softener. Seeing as I haven't used fabric softener in about a year, I decided to save them from the landfill and drop them off at the laundry mat down the road. I threw in a kids book just for fun (and because Eldon has, like, twenty million books.)
Hopefully these will provide some entertainment while waiting on a load to dry, and given the nature of the magazines (Cosmo) there might just be a verrrrry happy couple with clean clothes and some awesome pointers tonight. *wink wink*
{four}
A long long time ago, I came across this list of 21 ways to enjoy being a Mom. I loved it, I unintentionally memorized it and the things mentioned in it creep into my thoughts often. I have since printed out copies and stuck them in cards at baby showers. So, I printed out a few extras. I placed them in baby sections at places we visited. On diaper packs, on the registry kiosk at Target, and near the formula, bottles, and breastpumps.
{five}
This act was inspired by a friend's Facebook post about her son being a trooper in the (super boring) tire shop. Last September, I took advantage of the back-to-school sales and stocked up on art supplies for Eldon. I maybe, sorta, probably, went a little overboard and bought enough for a large classroom. So we divided up one of the many big ole boxes of crayons and printed off some free color pages. We stuck a little note in each one to let strangers knew that it was intentionally left there, and dropped them off at places Eldon deemed "boring," including the tire shop.
Special voter edition tomorrow! Hopefully I can think up something to do before then!
It is no secret that having a sick child can wreak havoc on a marriage. Add to that equation, a marriage that was fragile to begin with and I guess we were just doomed from the start.
When this baby was concieved, my husband and I were technically separated. We were merely "dating" at his request to try to work things out. In the weeks following the positive test, we were nervous but very excited to provide a sibling for our son, especially after losing his brother at 20 weeks gestation just two years ago. We moved back in together. We began to feel excited, hopeful, and like maybe this happened for a reason.
Wrong. At least for the reason we thought.
Then came the diagnosis...then came another (different) diagnosis. I was heartbroken and terrified. I had finally come to terms with this unexpected pregnancy, finally started to feel positive about it, and then...this.
My husband withdrew completely. I thought he was dealing with his own emotions so I tried not to push, tried not to dig even though I desperately needed some one to talk to. I needed support, and it was nowhere to be found, at least when searching within my marriage.
As we began to talk with specialists, plan our move, search for new jobs, basically begin entire new lives, he became even more distant.
Then one night, he calmly walked downstairs where I was sorting laundry and told me that he isn't coming with us to Seattle. That he wants a divorce.
and that was that.
So here I am. This blog has taken on a new identity, as have I. Single mother, mother to be, mother of a child who will be born needing open heart surgery.
Facing this alone is nothing new, I haven't had the support from the start and honestly, having one less person to worry about through all of this is a relief. I am angry though.
How can some one just up and abandon their responsibilities like this? I picture him off hanging out with his friends while I try to memorize new terminology and research surgeons. While I look for a new job, considering I am already completely on my own financially as well. I picture a world where when things get hard, you can simply back out. I am now applying for assistance, and drafting up custody agreements. I feel as though I am drowning in appointments and paperwork.
I am thankful to my mom who raised me to be strong and taught me through her own struggles, that I can do it on my own. I am not worried for us, I know we will be fine. Probably better.
I am not seeking comments on this...I am not wanting feedback. This is just informational. While I continue writing about this journey, my "family" has taken on a new identity. So when I write about "us" and "our struggles" you know that the us is minus one. But the two (and a half) of us are enough.
We've got this.
